I don't even know where to begin....how about my very first memories.
I think my earliest life changing memory is my mother loading all of us kids into an old pick up truck and driving us to Social Services to drop us off. I screamed and cried. I was 5 at the time. I knew something was wrong. I begged her not to leave us. I don't remember my father at all. I know he was there I just don't remember him. There were 4 of us kids. We all ended up in different foster homes. I remember most every day of that year of my life.
My father is and always has been an alcoholic. When we got out of foster care we moved to an apartment right next door to a bar. Our father spent more time there than he did at home. When we wanted to see him or needed anything we had to go into the bar to get him.
I was around 10 yrs old when he came home calling me a cunt, a whore, a slut...names I had no idea what they meant but knew I wasn't one of them. I was a pretty kid...long dark hair, breasts a lil bigger than most and a perfect body. I guess that set me up for being the talk of the bar room. About a year later is when he started coming home and accussing me of all kinds of god awful things....the beatings began. My sister shared a room with me. He would usually get me when I wasn't in my room and everyone else would hide. My brothers under their bunkbed as soon as they heard him coming up the stairs. Then no matter where I was he would come and find me. I would scream and scream and no one would help. My mother worked over nights so was never home when he hit me. He was never home when she was period. My most vivid beating is when he pulled me out of my bed by my hair cause one of his bar room buddies to him I had sex with a neighborhood boy. He was pounding my head off the floor...I thought I was truly going to die...my sister, 5 yrs younger, jumped on his back and started pounding on him. He threw her across the room and walked out of our room like nothing ever happened. We held eachother and cried and cried. I was usually made to stay home when I had visible bruises but all my bruises were under my clothes so I went...forgetting it was a gym day. I refused to get undressed. Was sent to principle and for the first time told what had happened to me. I was put in foster home for a month and then returned to my family as if nothing ever happened. Of course the beatings began again! They continued until I was 14 yrs old and I started fighting back.
Today I live in my parents home at my mother's request. My father had a stroke 2 yrs ago on July 4th and then had carrotted artery surgery...while in hospital went into delusion, violent state that they were unable to control. They told us then that the stroke had triggered the onset of dementia.
My father has always been a miserable man. He now is a miserable man you can not remember shit!! He is mean, he is miserable, he is verbally abusive to my mother, he makes all guests feel unwanted and is just unbearable. A week ago he had a violent episode that he attacked me. Verbally assaulting me with the most horrible things. Telling me he has hated me since birth, calling me all kinds of filthy names...came at me with a fire poker. A week later another episode that he basically did the same to my mother, name calling, his target was wanting me and my husband out of his house. He called 911 and slammed phone down...none of us realized that the call had actually gone through as he is legally blind. The police responded as he continued his rampage and ended up being taken away in cuffs. He threatened to kill the cunt? Not sure if that is me or my mother. Burn the house down. He would be back to get us. ONce to the hospital it went downhill...the doctor at the hospital believed my father. I felt 11 yrs old again. He says our house is covered in dog shit, it's filthy, it's a total pig sty and we are destroying it. Our house is clean. I vacuum almost everyday. I mop the floors once a week, I clean the bathrooms once a week. Dishwasher is run as soon as full.
He it totally delusional and demented. My mother is terrified to be alone with him. We all sleep with our doors locked.
I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring but I am at the point where I don't think I am strong enough to cope with all of this. He tells me he hates me and always has. He calls me the filthiest names. He says we are using them. His tirades just cut me to the quick! I'm losing control and I don't know what my next move should be!!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Where to begin....
I'm gonna start with a list and work from there:
Oldest's brigade has lost 4 soldiers and 3 wounded, one happens to be a friend
Youngest's Prom was this past weekend
My brother moved in with us
My Middle has found out he will be deploying
Actively fundraising for Relay for Life
Actively fundraising for Adopt a Soldier
Still out of work
My father has become more and more forgetful and miserable
Youngest not going to school and grades are less than desirable
Our oldest son is currently deployed to Afghanistan. His brigade has lost soldiers and seen 3 wounded in just a months time. They had their first memorial service on Easter Sunday. Needless to say we did not get a phone call home. He has a very difficult time keeping control of his emotions and I knew he wouldn't be able to keep things in check. My heart is breaking and been saying lots of prayers. His job keeps him safe for the time being but you just never know what is going to happen.
Youngest son's prom was this weekend. Very proud and excited for him. We paid most of the costs for his girlfriends dress and fixings. They looked amazing together. I am glad it's done, the stress of getting everything together is incredible.
My youngest brother is currently seperated from his wife who moved in with another man. He has decided to move back into my parents home which is also where my husband, youngest and I live. The toughest part of the transition was clearing the room of the live in companion my parents had with them for over 15 years who passed away a year ago. It was truly emotional and overwhelming.
My middle son found out he will be deploying in 10 months...that is a month before our oldest is to return home and a month after his first child is due! Ughhhhhh! Military life is like being on the wildest roller coaster ever and you just want to get off!!
I am pretty much the organizer of two fundraisers my family and friends partake in that are very dear to our hearts. One is for cancer support and the other is to support our troops. Both are extremely time consuming and just a week apart!
I am still out of work. Actually talked to work about coming back on reduced schedule for a bit and talked to doctor. She didn't see it as well as I did so for now I continue out. Kind of okay and kind of not. Still trying to focus on getting anxiety under control and taking care of me!!
Caring for my father has become more difficult. Some of it is him but most of it is my mother's inabililty to control her emotions when he gets himself going. It is truly frustrating. They don't seem capable of doing anything without our assistance.
We've had a horrible two weeks with our youngest. Not going to school regularly. Basically doing what he wants. Never coming home. Grades are weak. Not doing anything to help us or that he is asked to do. So afraid he is going to fail. He is 19 yrs old and junior in high school. If he doesn't pull it together soon he will not be able to graduate high school! Very disheartening!!
Needless to say I have had a little bit of stress. I have been going to the gym regularly to work out and tanning. Lost 7.2 in two weeks through Weight Watchers and excercise. Need to start eating a bit better but feeling great overall!!
Remember to take time to take care of you!!
Oldest's brigade has lost 4 soldiers and 3 wounded, one happens to be a friend
Youngest's Prom was this past weekend
My brother moved in with us
My Middle has found out he will be deploying
Actively fundraising for Relay for Life
Actively fundraising for Adopt a Soldier
Still out of work
My father has become more and more forgetful and miserable
Youngest not going to school and grades are less than desirable
Our oldest son is currently deployed to Afghanistan. His brigade has lost soldiers and seen 3 wounded in just a months time. They had their first memorial service on Easter Sunday. Needless to say we did not get a phone call home. He has a very difficult time keeping control of his emotions and I knew he wouldn't be able to keep things in check. My heart is breaking and been saying lots of prayers. His job keeps him safe for the time being but you just never know what is going to happen.
Youngest son's prom was this weekend. Very proud and excited for him. We paid most of the costs for his girlfriends dress and fixings. They looked amazing together. I am glad it's done, the stress of getting everything together is incredible.
My youngest brother is currently seperated from his wife who moved in with another man. He has decided to move back into my parents home which is also where my husband, youngest and I live. The toughest part of the transition was clearing the room of the live in companion my parents had with them for over 15 years who passed away a year ago. It was truly emotional and overwhelming.
My middle son found out he will be deploying in 10 months...that is a month before our oldest is to return home and a month after his first child is due! Ughhhhhh! Military life is like being on the wildest roller coaster ever and you just want to get off!!
I am pretty much the organizer of two fundraisers my family and friends partake in that are very dear to our hearts. One is for cancer support and the other is to support our troops. Both are extremely time consuming and just a week apart!
I am still out of work. Actually talked to work about coming back on reduced schedule for a bit and talked to doctor. She didn't see it as well as I did so for now I continue out. Kind of okay and kind of not. Still trying to focus on getting anxiety under control and taking care of me!!
Caring for my father has become more difficult. Some of it is him but most of it is my mother's inabililty to control her emotions when he gets himself going. It is truly frustrating. They don't seem capable of doing anything without our assistance.
We've had a horrible two weeks with our youngest. Not going to school regularly. Basically doing what he wants. Never coming home. Grades are weak. Not doing anything to help us or that he is asked to do. So afraid he is going to fail. He is 19 yrs old and junior in high school. If he doesn't pull it together soon he will not be able to graduate high school! Very disheartening!!
Needless to say I have had a little bit of stress. I have been going to the gym regularly to work out and tanning. Lost 7.2 in two weeks through Weight Watchers and excercise. Need to start eating a bit better but feeling great overall!!
Remember to take time to take care of you!!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Weight Loss plan and goals
My goals and desires........My goal weight is 175lbs. I want to be healthy and have control of what I eat and when. I want to be active. I do not want to be afraid to do anything because of my weight!
My hurdles.....stress eating, not planning my meals, drive-thru addiction
My game plan....to only eat when hungry, to make better choices, to be more active, to drink more water and less soda, stay away from fast food
Start a journal.....that is what this is all about!
Where am I now in my journey....A new beginning...taking time to dedicate to me and get healthy.
One step at a time!!!
My hurdles.....stress eating, not planning my meals, drive-thru addiction
My game plan....to only eat when hungry, to make better choices, to be more active, to drink more water and less soda, stay away from fast food
Start a journal.....that is what this is all about!
Where am I now in my journey....A new beginning...taking time to dedicate to me and get healthy.
One step at a time!!!
Weight Loss!
Soooo, on to a new struggle. My weight. I LOVE the show Ruby. What a wake up call! I hear her excuses and I hear myself.
I am not eating horrible, I am sort of active. BULL! I am a stress eater. I don't get as much exercise as a senior citizen!
I need to get my ass moving. I need to get control of my food.
Been at my sons for a week. My 3 yr old grandson has run me ragged. I am only 40 yrs old...I should be more than able to keep up.
I see pictures of myself and I cringe. I can NOT believe that I weigh 250lbs. How did this happen?? At 175lbs I thought I was good looking, at 200 lbs I was active and didn't let it affect me. Now there is no denying I am obese.
I have noone to blame but myself.
I'm the one driving when I hit the drive-thru, I am the one choosing what I eat, I am the one getting up at 11pm to get a SNACK, I am the one not making an effort to take time for me.
I've done Weight Watchers and lost 49.5 lbs...I can't even say 50 lbs cause I could never get myself over that hump. Instead the scale kept going up and up. I hear people talk about self-sabotage..I know that's where I was.
My embarrassing fat moments....trying to get on a ride at Universal Studios they made me get in a test seat, trying on clothes, avoiding people that once knew me because I am embarrassed by my size and then to worry if I can fit into rides, worry if I can fit in a certain booth, think about how I would survive in an emergency...could I catch my grandson if he ran ahead of me and into the road? Could I pull myself back into a boat if it tipped over?
Sooo...here is my goal...
To get to some sort of exercise class at least twice a week
Walk everyday
Drink water everyday
....it's a start!
Stay tuned for updates!!
I am not eating horrible, I am sort of active. BULL! I am a stress eater. I don't get as much exercise as a senior citizen!
I need to get my ass moving. I need to get control of my food.
Been at my sons for a week. My 3 yr old grandson has run me ragged. I am only 40 yrs old...I should be more than able to keep up.
I see pictures of myself and I cringe. I can NOT believe that I weigh 250lbs. How did this happen?? At 175lbs I thought I was good looking, at 200 lbs I was active and didn't let it affect me. Now there is no denying I am obese.
I have noone to blame but myself.
I'm the one driving when I hit the drive-thru, I am the one choosing what I eat, I am the one getting up at 11pm to get a SNACK, I am the one not making an effort to take time for me.
I've done Weight Watchers and lost 49.5 lbs...I can't even say 50 lbs cause I could never get myself over that hump. Instead the scale kept going up and up. I hear people talk about self-sabotage..I know that's where I was.
My embarrassing fat moments....trying to get on a ride at Universal Studios they made me get in a test seat, trying on clothes, avoiding people that once knew me because I am embarrassed by my size and then to worry if I can fit into rides, worry if I can fit in a certain booth, think about how I would survive in an emergency...could I catch my grandson if he ran ahead of me and into the road? Could I pull myself back into a boat if it tipped over?
Sooo...here is my goal...
To get to some sort of exercise class at least twice a week
Walk everyday
Drink water everyday
....it's a start!
Stay tuned for updates!!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Seeing Red......GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
I am soooo frustrated, angry, mad, pissed....UGHHHH!!
If they don't work out a federal budget they will be cutting the pay of our troops! This totally enrages me. My son is off fighting a war that we do NOT need to be fighting!! He has left his wife and 3 yr old son. He left with many worries...supporting his family was NOT one of them and should NOT be!! How can you decide to send people to fight a war and decide you are NOT going to pay them for doing their job!! Absolutely ridiculous! Our country has become a complete and udder mess...an embarrassment...we have the strongest armed forces in the world and they are truly treated the worst!!
Now on to the next infurating issue...after 14 yrs my brother decided to marry his high school sweatheart...after just one year of marriage..SHE decided that wasn't what she wanted after all!! This to me was just utter nonsense..when you commit to marriage...it's for better or worse, richer or poorer, better or worse!! They have been struggling for months. Together, not together...u get it! Now she moved out of my brothers and in with a man and took their kids. First of all...how do you move out of the home of your husband and in with a new man?!! Now this "other" man just happens to be a millionare..not because he worked hard but because he won a lawsuit. She is a gold-digging, money hungry, selfish, snotty bitch! I know that one day Karma will come to bite her in the ass but right now I just want to ring her neck. Today my niece posts on FB that she is going to Vegas for the weekend with her mom and boyfriend! Next week they head off to Myrtle Beach! While my brother falls apart, is suicidal, is a mental and physical wreck his family is off having the time of their lives! I am soooo mad...I truly am sickened by the whole thing. I am at a complete loss on how to help him cope with all of this!! He takes all the blame...is certain he will never be truly happy. It breaks my heart!!
Now on to the struggles of going through our soldiers deployment. Each day is a new struggle. I am currently staying at my sons for a visit..had a break in my calendar and figured I could help. I know my dil struggles in her own way and sometimes she just needs me there to help her through the rough times! Since I have been here she has been working crazy hours. It upsets me up a little that she hasn't adjusted her schedule or made any concessions to be home with grandson. His Dad is gone and now pretty much his Mom is gone. He is too damn cute and comes out with the darndest things. When I mentioned to her today that hours were too much she pretty much bit my head off. I know she is struggling and she just doesn't know what to do. I know being home alone is difficult for her. But there is a 3 yr old that does not understand what is happening. I know she will work this out, she is strong and is a great Mom...right now it is a struggle.
Today youngest son had a major anxiety attack in school. I am someone who suffers from severe anxiety so I know what he is going through. I know he is struggling with his brothers deployment and my being here and not there. It scares me that he is having such attacks at such a young age. I do not want him to struggle as I do. I need to find guidance and help to be able to help him!!
Another day in my crazy life!!
If they don't work out a federal budget they will be cutting the pay of our troops! This totally enrages me. My son is off fighting a war that we do NOT need to be fighting!! He has left his wife and 3 yr old son. He left with many worries...supporting his family was NOT one of them and should NOT be!! How can you decide to send people to fight a war and decide you are NOT going to pay them for doing their job!! Absolutely ridiculous! Our country has become a complete and udder mess...an embarrassment...we have the strongest armed forces in the world and they are truly treated the worst!!
Now on to the next infurating issue...after 14 yrs my brother decided to marry his high school sweatheart...after just one year of marriage..SHE decided that wasn't what she wanted after all!! This to me was just utter nonsense..when you commit to marriage...it's for better or worse, richer or poorer, better or worse!! They have been struggling for months. Together, not together...u get it! Now she moved out of my brothers and in with a man and took their kids. First of all...how do you move out of the home of your husband and in with a new man?!! Now this "other" man just happens to be a millionare..not because he worked hard but because he won a lawsuit. She is a gold-digging, money hungry, selfish, snotty bitch! I know that one day Karma will come to bite her in the ass but right now I just want to ring her neck. Today my niece posts on FB that she is going to Vegas for the weekend with her mom and boyfriend! Next week they head off to Myrtle Beach! While my brother falls apart, is suicidal, is a mental and physical wreck his family is off having the time of their lives! I am soooo mad...I truly am sickened by the whole thing. I am at a complete loss on how to help him cope with all of this!! He takes all the blame...is certain he will never be truly happy. It breaks my heart!!
Now on to the struggles of going through our soldiers deployment. Each day is a new struggle. I am currently staying at my sons for a visit..had a break in my calendar and figured I could help. I know my dil struggles in her own way and sometimes she just needs me there to help her through the rough times! Since I have been here she has been working crazy hours. It upsets me up a little that she hasn't adjusted her schedule or made any concessions to be home with grandson. His Dad is gone and now pretty much his Mom is gone. He is too damn cute and comes out with the darndest things. When I mentioned to her today that hours were too much she pretty much bit my head off. I know she is struggling and she just doesn't know what to do. I know being home alone is difficult for her. But there is a 3 yr old that does not understand what is happening. I know she will work this out, she is strong and is a great Mom...right now it is a struggle.
Today youngest son had a major anxiety attack in school. I am someone who suffers from severe anxiety so I know what he is going through. I know he is struggling with his brothers deployment and my being here and not there. It scares me that he is having such attacks at such a young age. I do not want him to struggle as I do. I need to find guidance and help to be able to help him!!
Another day in my crazy life!!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Just another day...
Finally got to chat with my soldier! Sooo happy! It just takes the biggest weight off your shoulders when you have that first contact. He seems in good spirits and was joking around. :0) It makes for one happy Mom. Finally have an address so that I can start sending letters and packages.
I have had a ton of anxiety this week. Trying to help my brother and keep him on track, trying to get help for my parents, trying to get myself out of the house and be productive.
I was able to contact an agency that can help both of my parents. Made my Dad an appointment that I will be able to take him to, hoping we will get answers and be able to get some help.
I see my therapist tomorrow and boy is she gonna get an earful. lol As I have said before if you don't live it you wouldn't believe it.
Have submitted a disability claim so hopefully they will start paying me. If they do not approve the claim I will be cancelling the policy as I won't have a need for it. I specifically took it out for this reason. It's looking like I won't be heading back to work until the end of April at the earliest.
I am trying to come up with a BIG idea for a fundraiser for Adopt A Soldier. I feel the world seems to have forgotten that we are still sending our children, spouses, parents, brothers, sisters, friends and cousins off to war. Our struggles are daily yet the world seems to go on without noticing. Every year my family and friends form a team to walk in support of the soldiers in our family. We have been the biggest money raisers for the last 3 years. This year I want to do some BIG!! I'm brainstorming now and hoping I can come up with something!!
Kudos to Lifetime for Army Wives and Coming Home. Sooo many of us can relate and it hits sooo close to home!!
Not sure if I already mentioned but my youngest son is a volunteer firefighter. I never knew the stresses that go along with that until this week. He got called to two really large fires. It's like holding your breath. I know he has been trained well but holy moly..how much can one mother take????
Took him shopping for his tux for Prom. About time since I have already taken his girlfriend and a dear friends daughter to get their dresses. He is going to be one handsome young man! So excited for him. Another step into becoming an adult!
My Dad has had a really rough week this week. Bad dreams at night and some aggressive outbursts. I know the future will not be easy. He is much more disoriented and more often. I know it's a process and it's not easy but it truly is much harder than I ever imagined.
My brother went to see a psychic. Now I have only had one reading in my life from a friends sister. He seemed to find lots of peace in what this woman had to say. He told her to start preparing for my Dad's passing. That is would come quickly but she couldn't tell him when. She also advised him that my Mom needs to quit smoking that there is something wrong in her chest. She told him my son will come home safe and that she knows we will worry but we needed worry that he won't come home. Just this part gave ME a sense of peace that I hadn't had at all during my Army Mom career. I was shocked that he did this as I never thought him a believer but he was looking for any direction he could get so I understand. He seemed to come away with a sense of peace and some direction.
My kids are coming home this weekend and I am sooo excited to see my grandson. He just makes the world a brighter place!!
I have had a ton of anxiety this week. Trying to help my brother and keep him on track, trying to get help for my parents, trying to get myself out of the house and be productive.
I was able to contact an agency that can help both of my parents. Made my Dad an appointment that I will be able to take him to, hoping we will get answers and be able to get some help.
I see my therapist tomorrow and boy is she gonna get an earful. lol As I have said before if you don't live it you wouldn't believe it.
Have submitted a disability claim so hopefully they will start paying me. If they do not approve the claim I will be cancelling the policy as I won't have a need for it. I specifically took it out for this reason. It's looking like I won't be heading back to work until the end of April at the earliest.
I am trying to come up with a BIG idea for a fundraiser for Adopt A Soldier. I feel the world seems to have forgotten that we are still sending our children, spouses, parents, brothers, sisters, friends and cousins off to war. Our struggles are daily yet the world seems to go on without noticing. Every year my family and friends form a team to walk in support of the soldiers in our family. We have been the biggest money raisers for the last 3 years. This year I want to do some BIG!! I'm brainstorming now and hoping I can come up with something!!
Kudos to Lifetime for Army Wives and Coming Home. Sooo many of us can relate and it hits sooo close to home!!
Not sure if I already mentioned but my youngest son is a volunteer firefighter. I never knew the stresses that go along with that until this week. He got called to two really large fires. It's like holding your breath. I know he has been trained well but holy moly..how much can one mother take????
Took him shopping for his tux for Prom. About time since I have already taken his girlfriend and a dear friends daughter to get their dresses. He is going to be one handsome young man! So excited for him. Another step into becoming an adult!
My Dad has had a really rough week this week. Bad dreams at night and some aggressive outbursts. I know the future will not be easy. He is much more disoriented and more often. I know it's a process and it's not easy but it truly is much harder than I ever imagined.
My brother went to see a psychic. Now I have only had one reading in my life from a friends sister. He seemed to find lots of peace in what this woman had to say. He told her to start preparing for my Dad's passing. That is would come quickly but she couldn't tell him when. She also advised him that my Mom needs to quit smoking that there is something wrong in her chest. She told him my son will come home safe and that she knows we will worry but we needed worry that he won't come home. Just this part gave ME a sense of peace that I hadn't had at all during my Army Mom career. I was shocked that he did this as I never thought him a believer but he was looking for any direction he could get so I understand. He seemed to come away with a sense of peace and some direction.
My kids are coming home this weekend and I am sooo excited to see my grandson. He just makes the world a brighter place!!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Giving it to God....
My life is completely full of stress and worries. I have decided to use my blog today to list the strife in my life and let it go to God.
1) Prayers for my friend who lost her soldier son; my heart truly aches for them
2) Oldest being in Afghanistan; may angels watch over him and keep him safe
3) My brother needs urgent prayers to help overcome a drug addiction, depression and get through a divorce; taking him tomorrow to admit him to the local mental health unit
4) Find the appropriate resources to help us deal with my father's dementia
5) Get support and guidance for my mother to help her deal with my father's illness
6) To ease the financial strains of my being out of work
7) My best friend's mother was admitted to hospital today, she is battling a very rare lung cancer. They live 1,200 miles away so I am unable to be with them
8) still trying to work on making me better, finding the time to dedicate to ME, coping with my own anxiety and depression
Trying to focus on one day at a time but one day just doesn't seem to be any better than the next. Trying to reach for my bible more often. Talked to the hubby about goin back to church..we let it slip away long ago and need to get our roots back.
While I know my struggles are a burden I do know that I am surrounded by many wonderful blessings.
1) Prayers for my friend who lost her soldier son; my heart truly aches for them
2) Oldest being in Afghanistan; may angels watch over him and keep him safe
3) My brother needs urgent prayers to help overcome a drug addiction, depression and get through a divorce; taking him tomorrow to admit him to the local mental health unit
4) Find the appropriate resources to help us deal with my father's dementia
5) Get support and guidance for my mother to help her deal with my father's illness
6) To ease the financial strains of my being out of work
7) My best friend's mother was admitted to hospital today, she is battling a very rare lung cancer. They live 1,200 miles away so I am unable to be with them
8) still trying to work on making me better, finding the time to dedicate to ME, coping with my own anxiety and depression
Trying to focus on one day at a time but one day just doesn't seem to be any better than the next. Trying to reach for my bible more often. Talked to the hubby about goin back to church..we let it slip away long ago and need to get our roots back.
While I know my struggles are a burden I do know that I am surrounded by many wonderful blessings.
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