On Monday, January 31, 2011 I took an extremely large overdoes of pills. Was I trying to commit suicide? I really can't say that was my goal..maybe yes..I guess that makes sense.
It truly was a decision I made in an instant. I didn't think about anything but going to sleep and not waking up. Just ending my pain and struggle.
I picked out the nightgown I wanted to be found in. I went and got a drink to take the pills with. I made my bed all nice and neat. I sent a text to my friends and family. "I'm sorry and I love you." I then turned off my cell phone and through tears began taking the pills.
I took over 70 pills total. A nice mix of controlled substances, pretty much anything I had available that I new packed a wallop. I then rolled over and went to sleep.
My husband, youngest son and mother were across the hall watching a movie together.
You may ask why at that moment did I decide, why that day?
On that day I was struggling with my oldest son's deployment..had been for weeks. My middle son was not talking to me cause his wife caused a ridiculous arguement with me over a joke and he called me horrible names and said the most horrible things. We suspected dil was pregnant but of course they weren't talking to me so I received a text from my oldest son telling me I was gonna be a gramma again because he didn't think his brother would. Of course this broke my heart.
That morning my youngest son sent me text basically telling me HE thought he was going to hurt himself. He has been suffering from anxiety attacks for a few years now. He cheated on his girlfriend and got caught. She was having nothing to do with him and he just couldn't handle it. I left work in hysterics to take him to the hospital to get help. Hubby and I took him there together. After speaking with a counselor for an hour he was in a much better place.
I know in my life that I can not handle losing one of my boys. They have always been my lifeline. I have been a mom since I was 16 yrs old, and I HAVE been a Mom. I didn't take any breaks, I raised them with all the love and support I could. I raised them with their father. We have been together since I was 14 yrs old. We have had a trials and tribulations but we have made it.
The next morning I did not wake for work. Hubby tried waking me repeatedly. I really can't tell you how long or what happened. I know he woke me at 1:30pm and I was PISSED. How could I have taken all those pills and still be there! I was mad beyond belief. Once I was awake he figured out something was wrong. I went into bathroom and found more pills to take. He came into the bathroom and caught me. He then figured out what I had done. He screamed and yelled. Threatened to call 911. Basically talked me into going to the hospital.
We went to the hospital together. I was admitted into the Behavioral Health Unit.
Three days after I was admitted my mother in law passed away. She had been suffering for years with emphysema. Her passing was quick and unexpected. While we knew it was coming eventually it didn't end as any of us had imagined.
After getting to the hospital and realizing what I had done and the pain I was putting my family through I was overwhelmed with regret. I did nothing but apologize and promise I would never due anything like it again. As a daughter I felt like I had failed my parents, I was supposed to be there to take care of them. As a mother I failed because I am supposed to be there to support my children. As a wife I am supposed to stand by my husband's side.
I left the hospital the day after my mother in law passed. That in itself is a whole nother story. I went right from the hospital to the funeral parlor to help plan my mother in laws funeral. I have no idea how I did it. No idea why they all trusted me with the tasks. I was basic organizer and MC of her funeral service as we can not bury her until spring.
I basically came away from the hospital with no help. I was still not in a great place. Feeling all the feelings I had before but now having regrets and feeling sorry on top of it.
I had no luck getting in to see my therapist. Basically ended up calling a new counseling facility and starting all over. It's not a quick process. It's very time consuming and you can only hope you connect with the person you have found.
I have now had 3 appointments with a psychotherapist and now have an appointment with a psychiatrist to began my medication management. I have been out of work since February 1st and have no idea when I can expect to return. Financially this hurts a lot. As a state employee I get half my pay for a certain amount of time while on an extended absence.
Everyday I struggle with anxiety. I have a fluttering in my chest, I don't sleep without medication, I have no energy, I feel like I could cry at any moment, my brain is constantly going....my body never seems at rest. It's a horrible thing to live with. I was always the one in control, always the person everyone came to with their issues, always the organized one, always had it together....I WAS THE STRONG ONE!!! I no longer feel like that person. I want that person back and I am trying to figure out ways to get her back!!
No comments:
Post a Comment