I don't even know where to begin....how about my very first memories.
I think my earliest life changing memory is my mother loading all of us kids into an old pick up truck and driving us to Social Services to drop us off. I screamed and cried. I was 5 at the time. I knew something was wrong. I begged her not to leave us. I don't remember my father at all. I know he was there I just don't remember him. There were 4 of us kids. We all ended up in different foster homes. I remember most every day of that year of my life.
My father is and always has been an alcoholic. When we got out of foster care we moved to an apartment right next door to a bar. Our father spent more time there than he did at home. When we wanted to see him or needed anything we had to go into the bar to get him.
I was around 10 yrs old when he came home calling me a cunt, a whore, a slut...names I had no idea what they meant but knew I wasn't one of them. I was a pretty kid...long dark hair, breasts a lil bigger than most and a perfect body. I guess that set me up for being the talk of the bar room. About a year later is when he started coming home and accussing me of all kinds of god awful things....the beatings began. My sister shared a room with me. He would usually get me when I wasn't in my room and everyone else would hide. My brothers under their bunkbed as soon as they heard him coming up the stairs. Then no matter where I was he would come and find me. I would scream and scream and no one would help. My mother worked over nights so was never home when he hit me. He was never home when she was period. My most vivid beating is when he pulled me out of my bed by my hair cause one of his bar room buddies to him I had sex with a neighborhood boy. He was pounding my head off the floor...I thought I was truly going to die...my sister, 5 yrs younger, jumped on his back and started pounding on him. He threw her across the room and walked out of our room like nothing ever happened. We held eachother and cried and cried. I was usually made to stay home when I had visible bruises but all my bruises were under my clothes so I went...forgetting it was a gym day. I refused to get undressed. Was sent to principle and for the first time told what had happened to me. I was put in foster home for a month and then returned to my family as if nothing ever happened. Of course the beatings began again! They continued until I was 14 yrs old and I started fighting back.
Today I live in my parents home at my mother's request. My father had a stroke 2 yrs ago on July 4th and then had carrotted artery surgery...while in hospital went into delusion, violent state that they were unable to control. They told us then that the stroke had triggered the onset of dementia.
My father has always been a miserable man. He now is a miserable man you can not remember shit!! He is mean, he is miserable, he is verbally abusive to my mother, he makes all guests feel unwanted and is just unbearable. A week ago he had a violent episode that he attacked me. Verbally assaulting me with the most horrible things. Telling me he has hated me since birth, calling me all kinds of filthy names...came at me with a fire poker. A week later another episode that he basically did the same to my mother, name calling, his target was wanting me and my husband out of his house. He called 911 and slammed phone down...none of us realized that the call had actually gone through as he is legally blind. The police responded as he continued his rampage and ended up being taken away in cuffs. He threatened to kill the cunt? Not sure if that is me or my mother. Burn the house down. He would be back to get us. ONce to the hospital it went downhill...the doctor at the hospital believed my father. I felt 11 yrs old again. He says our house is covered in dog shit, it's filthy, it's a total pig sty and we are destroying it. Our house is clean. I vacuum almost everyday. I mop the floors once a week, I clean the bathrooms once a week. Dishwasher is run as soon as full.
He it totally delusional and demented. My mother is terrified to be alone with him. We all sleep with our doors locked.
I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring but I am at the point where I don't think I am strong enough to cope with all of this. He tells me he hates me and always has. He calls me the filthiest names. He says we are using them. His tirades just cut me to the quick! I'm losing control and I don't know what my next move should be!!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Where to begin....
I'm gonna start with a list and work from there:
Oldest's brigade has lost 4 soldiers and 3 wounded, one happens to be a friend
Youngest's Prom was this past weekend
My brother moved in with us
My Middle has found out he will be deploying
Actively fundraising for Relay for Life
Actively fundraising for Adopt a Soldier
Still out of work
My father has become more and more forgetful and miserable
Youngest not going to school and grades are less than desirable
Our oldest son is currently deployed to Afghanistan. His brigade has lost soldiers and seen 3 wounded in just a months time. They had their first memorial service on Easter Sunday. Needless to say we did not get a phone call home. He has a very difficult time keeping control of his emotions and I knew he wouldn't be able to keep things in check. My heart is breaking and been saying lots of prayers. His job keeps him safe for the time being but you just never know what is going to happen.
Youngest son's prom was this weekend. Very proud and excited for him. We paid most of the costs for his girlfriends dress and fixings. They looked amazing together. I am glad it's done, the stress of getting everything together is incredible.
My youngest brother is currently seperated from his wife who moved in with another man. He has decided to move back into my parents home which is also where my husband, youngest and I live. The toughest part of the transition was clearing the room of the live in companion my parents had with them for over 15 years who passed away a year ago. It was truly emotional and overwhelming.
My middle son found out he will be deploying in 10 months...that is a month before our oldest is to return home and a month after his first child is due! Ughhhhhh! Military life is like being on the wildest roller coaster ever and you just want to get off!!
I am pretty much the organizer of two fundraisers my family and friends partake in that are very dear to our hearts. One is for cancer support and the other is to support our troops. Both are extremely time consuming and just a week apart!
I am still out of work. Actually talked to work about coming back on reduced schedule for a bit and talked to doctor. She didn't see it as well as I did so for now I continue out. Kind of okay and kind of not. Still trying to focus on getting anxiety under control and taking care of me!!
Caring for my father has become more difficult. Some of it is him but most of it is my mother's inabililty to control her emotions when he gets himself going. It is truly frustrating. They don't seem capable of doing anything without our assistance.
We've had a horrible two weeks with our youngest. Not going to school regularly. Basically doing what he wants. Never coming home. Grades are weak. Not doing anything to help us or that he is asked to do. So afraid he is going to fail. He is 19 yrs old and junior in high school. If he doesn't pull it together soon he will not be able to graduate high school! Very disheartening!!
Needless to say I have had a little bit of stress. I have been going to the gym regularly to work out and tanning. Lost 7.2 in two weeks through Weight Watchers and excercise. Need to start eating a bit better but feeling great overall!!
Remember to take time to take care of you!!
Oldest's brigade has lost 4 soldiers and 3 wounded, one happens to be a friend
Youngest's Prom was this past weekend
My brother moved in with us
My Middle has found out he will be deploying
Actively fundraising for Relay for Life
Actively fundraising for Adopt a Soldier
Still out of work
My father has become more and more forgetful and miserable
Youngest not going to school and grades are less than desirable
Our oldest son is currently deployed to Afghanistan. His brigade has lost soldiers and seen 3 wounded in just a months time. They had their first memorial service on Easter Sunday. Needless to say we did not get a phone call home. He has a very difficult time keeping control of his emotions and I knew he wouldn't be able to keep things in check. My heart is breaking and been saying lots of prayers. His job keeps him safe for the time being but you just never know what is going to happen.
Youngest son's prom was this weekend. Very proud and excited for him. We paid most of the costs for his girlfriends dress and fixings. They looked amazing together. I am glad it's done, the stress of getting everything together is incredible.
My youngest brother is currently seperated from his wife who moved in with another man. He has decided to move back into my parents home which is also where my husband, youngest and I live. The toughest part of the transition was clearing the room of the live in companion my parents had with them for over 15 years who passed away a year ago. It was truly emotional and overwhelming.
My middle son found out he will be deploying in 10 months...that is a month before our oldest is to return home and a month after his first child is due! Ughhhhhh! Military life is like being on the wildest roller coaster ever and you just want to get off!!
I am pretty much the organizer of two fundraisers my family and friends partake in that are very dear to our hearts. One is for cancer support and the other is to support our troops. Both are extremely time consuming and just a week apart!
I am still out of work. Actually talked to work about coming back on reduced schedule for a bit and talked to doctor. She didn't see it as well as I did so for now I continue out. Kind of okay and kind of not. Still trying to focus on getting anxiety under control and taking care of me!!
Caring for my father has become more difficult. Some of it is him but most of it is my mother's inabililty to control her emotions when he gets himself going. It is truly frustrating. They don't seem capable of doing anything without our assistance.
We've had a horrible two weeks with our youngest. Not going to school regularly. Basically doing what he wants. Never coming home. Grades are weak. Not doing anything to help us or that he is asked to do. So afraid he is going to fail. He is 19 yrs old and junior in high school. If he doesn't pull it together soon he will not be able to graduate high school! Very disheartening!!
Needless to say I have had a little bit of stress. I have been going to the gym regularly to work out and tanning. Lost 7.2 in two weeks through Weight Watchers and excercise. Need to start eating a bit better but feeling great overall!!
Remember to take time to take care of you!!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Weight Loss plan and goals
My goals and desires........My goal weight is 175lbs. I want to be healthy and have control of what I eat and when. I want to be active. I do not want to be afraid to do anything because of my weight!
My hurdles.....stress eating, not planning my meals, drive-thru addiction
My game plan....to only eat when hungry, to make better choices, to be more active, to drink more water and less soda, stay away from fast food
Start a journal.....that is what this is all about!
Where am I now in my journey....A new beginning...taking time to dedicate to me and get healthy.
One step at a time!!!
My hurdles.....stress eating, not planning my meals, drive-thru addiction
My game plan....to only eat when hungry, to make better choices, to be more active, to drink more water and less soda, stay away from fast food
Start a journal.....that is what this is all about!
Where am I now in my journey....A new beginning...taking time to dedicate to me and get healthy.
One step at a time!!!
Weight Loss!
Soooo, on to a new struggle. My weight. I LOVE the show Ruby. What a wake up call! I hear her excuses and I hear myself.
I am not eating horrible, I am sort of active. BULL! I am a stress eater. I don't get as much exercise as a senior citizen!
I need to get my ass moving. I need to get control of my food.
Been at my sons for a week. My 3 yr old grandson has run me ragged. I am only 40 yrs old...I should be more than able to keep up.
I see pictures of myself and I cringe. I can NOT believe that I weigh 250lbs. How did this happen?? At 175lbs I thought I was good looking, at 200 lbs I was active and didn't let it affect me. Now there is no denying I am obese.
I have noone to blame but myself.
I'm the one driving when I hit the drive-thru, I am the one choosing what I eat, I am the one getting up at 11pm to get a SNACK, I am the one not making an effort to take time for me.
I've done Weight Watchers and lost 49.5 lbs...I can't even say 50 lbs cause I could never get myself over that hump. Instead the scale kept going up and up. I hear people talk about self-sabotage..I know that's where I was.
My embarrassing fat moments....trying to get on a ride at Universal Studios they made me get in a test seat, trying on clothes, avoiding people that once knew me because I am embarrassed by my size and then to worry if I can fit into rides, worry if I can fit in a certain booth, think about how I would survive in an emergency...could I catch my grandson if he ran ahead of me and into the road? Could I pull myself back into a boat if it tipped over?
Sooo...here is my goal...
To get to some sort of exercise class at least twice a week
Walk everyday
Drink water everyday
....it's a start!
Stay tuned for updates!!
I am not eating horrible, I am sort of active. BULL! I am a stress eater. I don't get as much exercise as a senior citizen!
I need to get my ass moving. I need to get control of my food.
Been at my sons for a week. My 3 yr old grandson has run me ragged. I am only 40 yrs old...I should be more than able to keep up.
I see pictures of myself and I cringe. I can NOT believe that I weigh 250lbs. How did this happen?? At 175lbs I thought I was good looking, at 200 lbs I was active and didn't let it affect me. Now there is no denying I am obese.
I have noone to blame but myself.
I'm the one driving when I hit the drive-thru, I am the one choosing what I eat, I am the one getting up at 11pm to get a SNACK, I am the one not making an effort to take time for me.
I've done Weight Watchers and lost 49.5 lbs...I can't even say 50 lbs cause I could never get myself over that hump. Instead the scale kept going up and up. I hear people talk about self-sabotage..I know that's where I was.
My embarrassing fat moments....trying to get on a ride at Universal Studios they made me get in a test seat, trying on clothes, avoiding people that once knew me because I am embarrassed by my size and then to worry if I can fit into rides, worry if I can fit in a certain booth, think about how I would survive in an emergency...could I catch my grandson if he ran ahead of me and into the road? Could I pull myself back into a boat if it tipped over?
Sooo...here is my goal...
To get to some sort of exercise class at least twice a week
Walk everyday
Drink water everyday
....it's a start!
Stay tuned for updates!!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Seeing Red......GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
I am soooo frustrated, angry, mad, pissed....UGHHHH!!
If they don't work out a federal budget they will be cutting the pay of our troops! This totally enrages me. My son is off fighting a war that we do NOT need to be fighting!! He has left his wife and 3 yr old son. He left with many worries...supporting his family was NOT one of them and should NOT be!! How can you decide to send people to fight a war and decide you are NOT going to pay them for doing their job!! Absolutely ridiculous! Our country has become a complete and udder mess...an embarrassment...we have the strongest armed forces in the world and they are truly treated the worst!!
Now on to the next infurating issue...after 14 yrs my brother decided to marry his high school sweatheart...after just one year of marriage..SHE decided that wasn't what she wanted after all!! This to me was just utter nonsense..when you commit to marriage...it's for better or worse, richer or poorer, better or worse!! They have been struggling for months. Together, not together...u get it! Now she moved out of my brothers and in with a man and took their kids. First of all...how do you move out of the home of your husband and in with a new man?!! Now this "other" man just happens to be a millionare..not because he worked hard but because he won a lawsuit. She is a gold-digging, money hungry, selfish, snotty bitch! I know that one day Karma will come to bite her in the ass but right now I just want to ring her neck. Today my niece posts on FB that she is going to Vegas for the weekend with her mom and boyfriend! Next week they head off to Myrtle Beach! While my brother falls apart, is suicidal, is a mental and physical wreck his family is off having the time of their lives! I am soooo mad...I truly am sickened by the whole thing. I am at a complete loss on how to help him cope with all of this!! He takes all the blame...is certain he will never be truly happy. It breaks my heart!!
Now on to the struggles of going through our soldiers deployment. Each day is a new struggle. I am currently staying at my sons for a visit..had a break in my calendar and figured I could help. I know my dil struggles in her own way and sometimes she just needs me there to help her through the rough times! Since I have been here she has been working crazy hours. It upsets me up a little that she hasn't adjusted her schedule or made any concessions to be home with grandson. His Dad is gone and now pretty much his Mom is gone. He is too damn cute and comes out with the darndest things. When I mentioned to her today that hours were too much she pretty much bit my head off. I know she is struggling and she just doesn't know what to do. I know being home alone is difficult for her. But there is a 3 yr old that does not understand what is happening. I know she will work this out, she is strong and is a great Mom...right now it is a struggle.
Today youngest son had a major anxiety attack in school. I am someone who suffers from severe anxiety so I know what he is going through. I know he is struggling with his brothers deployment and my being here and not there. It scares me that he is having such attacks at such a young age. I do not want him to struggle as I do. I need to find guidance and help to be able to help him!!
Another day in my crazy life!!
If they don't work out a federal budget they will be cutting the pay of our troops! This totally enrages me. My son is off fighting a war that we do NOT need to be fighting!! He has left his wife and 3 yr old son. He left with many worries...supporting his family was NOT one of them and should NOT be!! How can you decide to send people to fight a war and decide you are NOT going to pay them for doing their job!! Absolutely ridiculous! Our country has become a complete and udder mess...an embarrassment...we have the strongest armed forces in the world and they are truly treated the worst!!
Now on to the next infurating issue...after 14 yrs my brother decided to marry his high school sweatheart...after just one year of marriage..SHE decided that wasn't what she wanted after all!! This to me was just utter nonsense..when you commit to marriage...it's for better or worse, richer or poorer, better or worse!! They have been struggling for months. Together, not together...u get it! Now she moved out of my brothers and in with a man and took their kids. First of all...how do you move out of the home of your husband and in with a new man?!! Now this "other" man just happens to be a millionare..not because he worked hard but because he won a lawsuit. She is a gold-digging, money hungry, selfish, snotty bitch! I know that one day Karma will come to bite her in the ass but right now I just want to ring her neck. Today my niece posts on FB that she is going to Vegas for the weekend with her mom and boyfriend! Next week they head off to Myrtle Beach! While my brother falls apart, is suicidal, is a mental and physical wreck his family is off having the time of their lives! I am soooo mad...I truly am sickened by the whole thing. I am at a complete loss on how to help him cope with all of this!! He takes all the blame...is certain he will never be truly happy. It breaks my heart!!
Now on to the struggles of going through our soldiers deployment. Each day is a new struggle. I am currently staying at my sons for a visit..had a break in my calendar and figured I could help. I know my dil struggles in her own way and sometimes she just needs me there to help her through the rough times! Since I have been here she has been working crazy hours. It upsets me up a little that she hasn't adjusted her schedule or made any concessions to be home with grandson. His Dad is gone and now pretty much his Mom is gone. He is too damn cute and comes out with the darndest things. When I mentioned to her today that hours were too much she pretty much bit my head off. I know she is struggling and she just doesn't know what to do. I know being home alone is difficult for her. But there is a 3 yr old that does not understand what is happening. I know she will work this out, she is strong and is a great Mom...right now it is a struggle.
Today youngest son had a major anxiety attack in school. I am someone who suffers from severe anxiety so I know what he is going through. I know he is struggling with his brothers deployment and my being here and not there. It scares me that he is having such attacks at such a young age. I do not want him to struggle as I do. I need to find guidance and help to be able to help him!!
Another day in my crazy life!!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Just another day...
Finally got to chat with my soldier! Sooo happy! It just takes the biggest weight off your shoulders when you have that first contact. He seems in good spirits and was joking around. :0) It makes for one happy Mom. Finally have an address so that I can start sending letters and packages.
I have had a ton of anxiety this week. Trying to help my brother and keep him on track, trying to get help for my parents, trying to get myself out of the house and be productive.
I was able to contact an agency that can help both of my parents. Made my Dad an appointment that I will be able to take him to, hoping we will get answers and be able to get some help.
I see my therapist tomorrow and boy is she gonna get an earful. lol As I have said before if you don't live it you wouldn't believe it.
Have submitted a disability claim so hopefully they will start paying me. If they do not approve the claim I will be cancelling the policy as I won't have a need for it. I specifically took it out for this reason. It's looking like I won't be heading back to work until the end of April at the earliest.
I am trying to come up with a BIG idea for a fundraiser for Adopt A Soldier. I feel the world seems to have forgotten that we are still sending our children, spouses, parents, brothers, sisters, friends and cousins off to war. Our struggles are daily yet the world seems to go on without noticing. Every year my family and friends form a team to walk in support of the soldiers in our family. We have been the biggest money raisers for the last 3 years. This year I want to do some BIG!! I'm brainstorming now and hoping I can come up with something!!
Kudos to Lifetime for Army Wives and Coming Home. Sooo many of us can relate and it hits sooo close to home!!
Not sure if I already mentioned but my youngest son is a volunteer firefighter. I never knew the stresses that go along with that until this week. He got called to two really large fires. It's like holding your breath. I know he has been trained well but holy moly..how much can one mother take????
Took him shopping for his tux for Prom. About time since I have already taken his girlfriend and a dear friends daughter to get their dresses. He is going to be one handsome young man! So excited for him. Another step into becoming an adult!
My Dad has had a really rough week this week. Bad dreams at night and some aggressive outbursts. I know the future will not be easy. He is much more disoriented and more often. I know it's a process and it's not easy but it truly is much harder than I ever imagined.
My brother went to see a psychic. Now I have only had one reading in my life from a friends sister. He seemed to find lots of peace in what this woman had to say. He told her to start preparing for my Dad's passing. That is would come quickly but she couldn't tell him when. She also advised him that my Mom needs to quit smoking that there is something wrong in her chest. She told him my son will come home safe and that she knows we will worry but we needed worry that he won't come home. Just this part gave ME a sense of peace that I hadn't had at all during my Army Mom career. I was shocked that he did this as I never thought him a believer but he was looking for any direction he could get so I understand. He seemed to come away with a sense of peace and some direction.
My kids are coming home this weekend and I am sooo excited to see my grandson. He just makes the world a brighter place!!
I have had a ton of anxiety this week. Trying to help my brother and keep him on track, trying to get help for my parents, trying to get myself out of the house and be productive.
I was able to contact an agency that can help both of my parents. Made my Dad an appointment that I will be able to take him to, hoping we will get answers and be able to get some help.
I see my therapist tomorrow and boy is she gonna get an earful. lol As I have said before if you don't live it you wouldn't believe it.
Have submitted a disability claim so hopefully they will start paying me. If they do not approve the claim I will be cancelling the policy as I won't have a need for it. I specifically took it out for this reason. It's looking like I won't be heading back to work until the end of April at the earliest.
I am trying to come up with a BIG idea for a fundraiser for Adopt A Soldier. I feel the world seems to have forgotten that we are still sending our children, spouses, parents, brothers, sisters, friends and cousins off to war. Our struggles are daily yet the world seems to go on without noticing. Every year my family and friends form a team to walk in support of the soldiers in our family. We have been the biggest money raisers for the last 3 years. This year I want to do some BIG!! I'm brainstorming now and hoping I can come up with something!!
Kudos to Lifetime for Army Wives and Coming Home. Sooo many of us can relate and it hits sooo close to home!!
Not sure if I already mentioned but my youngest son is a volunteer firefighter. I never knew the stresses that go along with that until this week. He got called to two really large fires. It's like holding your breath. I know he has been trained well but holy moly..how much can one mother take????
Took him shopping for his tux for Prom. About time since I have already taken his girlfriend and a dear friends daughter to get their dresses. He is going to be one handsome young man! So excited for him. Another step into becoming an adult!
My Dad has had a really rough week this week. Bad dreams at night and some aggressive outbursts. I know the future will not be easy. He is much more disoriented and more often. I know it's a process and it's not easy but it truly is much harder than I ever imagined.
My brother went to see a psychic. Now I have only had one reading in my life from a friends sister. He seemed to find lots of peace in what this woman had to say. He told her to start preparing for my Dad's passing. That is would come quickly but she couldn't tell him when. She also advised him that my Mom needs to quit smoking that there is something wrong in her chest. She told him my son will come home safe and that she knows we will worry but we needed worry that he won't come home. Just this part gave ME a sense of peace that I hadn't had at all during my Army Mom career. I was shocked that he did this as I never thought him a believer but he was looking for any direction he could get so I understand. He seemed to come away with a sense of peace and some direction.
My kids are coming home this weekend and I am sooo excited to see my grandson. He just makes the world a brighter place!!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Giving it to God....
My life is completely full of stress and worries. I have decided to use my blog today to list the strife in my life and let it go to God.
1) Prayers for my friend who lost her soldier son; my heart truly aches for them
2) Oldest being in Afghanistan; may angels watch over him and keep him safe
3) My brother needs urgent prayers to help overcome a drug addiction, depression and get through a divorce; taking him tomorrow to admit him to the local mental health unit
4) Find the appropriate resources to help us deal with my father's dementia
5) Get support and guidance for my mother to help her deal with my father's illness
6) To ease the financial strains of my being out of work
7) My best friend's mother was admitted to hospital today, she is battling a very rare lung cancer. They live 1,200 miles away so I am unable to be with them
8) still trying to work on making me better, finding the time to dedicate to ME, coping with my own anxiety and depression
Trying to focus on one day at a time but one day just doesn't seem to be any better than the next. Trying to reach for my bible more often. Talked to the hubby about goin back to church..we let it slip away long ago and need to get our roots back.
While I know my struggles are a burden I do know that I am surrounded by many wonderful blessings.
1) Prayers for my friend who lost her soldier son; my heart truly aches for them
2) Oldest being in Afghanistan; may angels watch over him and keep him safe
3) My brother needs urgent prayers to help overcome a drug addiction, depression and get through a divorce; taking him tomorrow to admit him to the local mental health unit
4) Find the appropriate resources to help us deal with my father's dementia
5) Get support and guidance for my mother to help her deal with my father's illness
6) To ease the financial strains of my being out of work
7) My best friend's mother was admitted to hospital today, she is battling a very rare lung cancer. They live 1,200 miles away so I am unable to be with them
8) still trying to work on making me better, finding the time to dedicate to ME, coping with my own anxiety and depression
Trying to focus on one day at a time but one day just doesn't seem to be any better than the next. Trying to reach for my bible more often. Talked to the hubby about goin back to church..we let it slip away long ago and need to get our roots back.
While I know my struggles are a burden I do know that I am surrounded by many wonderful blessings.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
A Military Mom's worst fears come true...
Today is an extremely sad day for me and a group of Army Mom's that I belong to. I have been a part of this group since just before "oldest" went to bootcamp in 2006. These women are like family and their children like my own. All that deploy I send a card to or package.
I am in everyday contact with most of these women, some are closer than family. These Mom know my struggles as an Army Mom as they live the life. They've walked or walk in my shoes. Some of us have had boys deployed together, some just at the same time, some are stationed at the same base...but we all support and encourage one another daily!
Today a dear friend lost her 23 yr old son. No he did not die in Iraq or Afghanistan, he died because of his time in those horrible places. The details of how he died I don't think are as important as the message that we are sending our "children" to a place they shouldn't be. Seeing and living through things over and over again. With no real purpose. They go to these countries and fight an unseen enemy. They then come home and see our country struggle, our homeless, our injured, our elderly. They come home seeing a different world. They come home with a reality that we as Americans can move on, we don't see their struggle everyday. Some say they chose it, they knew what they were getting into. I say "BULL". How could anyone imagine, how could any child prepare. For many a soldier it is their first time away from family and friends. They deal with the loss of that comfort but stand ready to protect their NEW friends and family. They sleep with guns, they suspect everyone, they never feel safe, they miss the simple pleasures of life...how do you prepare for this?!
As an Army Mom I am of course afraid for my sons safety. I am more afraid of their mental well being. I have since they left for basic training. I wrote them everyday, I sent them jokes, I told them funny stories but most importantly I let them know EVERYDAY that I love them and that they are never alone!
Now they are off to war. I send them packages as often as I can. I don't go into a store without picking up something that I can send to them to make things just a little bit easier!
Where do our soldiers turn when they have psychological struggles? Where do we as civilians turn? Many of us don't due to the stigma of being weak or being an outcast. They call it PTSD, they talk to our soldiers about it. There just has to be a better way! There has to be something more that we can do as a country. There has to be something more the military can do. There has to be a way to make getting our soldiers back easier!
This soldier wasn't someone who everyone turned their back on. His parents called and called. They called his commanders while he was at his base. They called the VA hospital repeatedly while there son was home. Their appointment was for Monday...unfortunately Monday was too late.
RIP soldier...u truly are a hero. May you finally have Peace and rest in heaven looking down on your family! God Bless!
I am in everyday contact with most of these women, some are closer than family. These Mom know my struggles as an Army Mom as they live the life. They've walked or walk in my shoes. Some of us have had boys deployed together, some just at the same time, some are stationed at the same base...but we all support and encourage one another daily!
Today a dear friend lost her 23 yr old son. No he did not die in Iraq or Afghanistan, he died because of his time in those horrible places. The details of how he died I don't think are as important as the message that we are sending our "children" to a place they shouldn't be. Seeing and living through things over and over again. With no real purpose. They go to these countries and fight an unseen enemy. They then come home and see our country struggle, our homeless, our injured, our elderly. They come home seeing a different world. They come home with a reality that we as Americans can move on, we don't see their struggle everyday. Some say they chose it, they knew what they were getting into. I say "BULL". How could anyone imagine, how could any child prepare. For many a soldier it is their first time away from family and friends. They deal with the loss of that comfort but stand ready to protect their NEW friends and family. They sleep with guns, they suspect everyone, they never feel safe, they miss the simple pleasures of life...how do you prepare for this?!
As an Army Mom I am of course afraid for my sons safety. I am more afraid of their mental well being. I have since they left for basic training. I wrote them everyday, I sent them jokes, I told them funny stories but most importantly I let them know EVERYDAY that I love them and that they are never alone!
Now they are off to war. I send them packages as often as I can. I don't go into a store without picking up something that I can send to them to make things just a little bit easier!
Where do our soldiers turn when they have psychological struggles? Where do we as civilians turn? Many of us don't due to the stigma of being weak or being an outcast. They call it PTSD, they talk to our soldiers about it. There just has to be a better way! There has to be something more that we can do as a country. There has to be something more the military can do. There has to be a way to make getting our soldiers back easier!
This soldier wasn't someone who everyone turned their back on. His parents called and called. They called his commanders while he was at his base. They called the VA hospital repeatedly while there son was home. Their appointment was for Monday...unfortunately Monday was too late.
RIP soldier...u truly are a hero. May you finally have Peace and rest in heaven looking down on your family! God Bless!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Teenagers....GRRRR
So I am truly struggling with how to move forward. The youngest, 19 yrs old, is a Junior in High School. Our only son left at home. He has had his own struggles with his two older brothers leaving home. The change of moving in with his grandparents.
School has obviously been a struggle. He can NOT get himself up in the morning..he has been late to school more times than we can count. No matter what we threaten with or take away he just doesn't get it. He will do well for a couple days and then right back to old pattern. Obvioulsy his school work is suffering. Again not much we do affects that at all.
He isn't a child any more so it's really hard to try and enforce anything.
Since having my first breakdown I know I haven't been the mother or person I once was. I feel in part I have let him down. I do not think that is an excuse for him to not do his part to be successful in life.
My children have a horrible knack for cutting me to the quik by saying the most horrible things to me. Of course never to my face. That would NEVER be tolerated. Through texts and facebook and messages. They truly break my heart and I don't know that they have a clue how hurtful their words are to me.
I grew up in an abusive home with an alcoholic father and would NEVER talk to my mother the way these kids have to me. My father gets it back when he gives it to me because I refuse to be a victim. I just can't understand their motivation or what they are thinking.
Text today from youngest " why do u care now all of the sudden after five years or so you only had two sons ummm plz explain". I refuse to cry...got mad. Called cell company and reported his phone missing...sooo NO cell phone until I get an apology and he gets some responsibility.
This coming from the son who I dedicated the first 5 yrs of his life too. He was born 9 weeks early...I fought to give him life and keep him healthy! UGHHHHHH! I just want to scream!
It's hard to tolerate a child not doing what you expect of them when you expect so little.
School has obviously been a struggle. He can NOT get himself up in the morning..he has been late to school more times than we can count. No matter what we threaten with or take away he just doesn't get it. He will do well for a couple days and then right back to old pattern. Obvioulsy his school work is suffering. Again not much we do affects that at all.
He isn't a child any more so it's really hard to try and enforce anything.
Since having my first breakdown I know I haven't been the mother or person I once was. I feel in part I have let him down. I do not think that is an excuse for him to not do his part to be successful in life.
My children have a horrible knack for cutting me to the quik by saying the most horrible things to me. Of course never to my face. That would NEVER be tolerated. Through texts and facebook and messages. They truly break my heart and I don't know that they have a clue how hurtful their words are to me.
I grew up in an abusive home with an alcoholic father and would NEVER talk to my mother the way these kids have to me. My father gets it back when he gives it to me because I refuse to be a victim. I just can't understand their motivation or what they are thinking.
Text today from youngest " why do u care now all of the sudden after five years or so you only had two sons ummm plz explain". I refuse to cry...got mad. Called cell company and reported his phone missing...sooo NO cell phone until I get an apology and he gets some responsibility.
This coming from the son who I dedicated the first 5 yrs of his life too. He was born 9 weeks early...I fought to give him life and keep him healthy! UGHHHHHH! I just want to scream!
It's hard to tolerate a child not doing what you expect of them when you expect so little.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Depression and Anxiety
On Monday, January 31, 2011 I took an extremely large overdoes of pills. Was I trying to commit suicide? I really can't say that was my goal..maybe yes..I guess that makes sense.
It truly was a decision I made in an instant. I didn't think about anything but going to sleep and not waking up. Just ending my pain and struggle.
I picked out the nightgown I wanted to be found in. I went and got a drink to take the pills with. I made my bed all nice and neat. I sent a text to my friends and family. "I'm sorry and I love you." I then turned off my cell phone and through tears began taking the pills.
I took over 70 pills total. A nice mix of controlled substances, pretty much anything I had available that I new packed a wallop. I then rolled over and went to sleep.
My husband, youngest son and mother were across the hall watching a movie together.
You may ask why at that moment did I decide, why that day?
On that day I was struggling with my oldest son's deployment..had been for weeks. My middle son was not talking to me cause his wife caused a ridiculous arguement with me over a joke and he called me horrible names and said the most horrible things. We suspected dil was pregnant but of course they weren't talking to me so I received a text from my oldest son telling me I was gonna be a gramma again because he didn't think his brother would. Of course this broke my heart.
That morning my youngest son sent me text basically telling me HE thought he was going to hurt himself. He has been suffering from anxiety attacks for a few years now. He cheated on his girlfriend and got caught. She was having nothing to do with him and he just couldn't handle it. I left work in hysterics to take him to the hospital to get help. Hubby and I took him there together. After speaking with a counselor for an hour he was in a much better place.
I know in my life that I can not handle losing one of my boys. They have always been my lifeline. I have been a mom since I was 16 yrs old, and I HAVE been a Mom. I didn't take any breaks, I raised them with all the love and support I could. I raised them with their father. We have been together since I was 14 yrs old. We have had a trials and tribulations but we have made it.
The next morning I did not wake for work. Hubby tried waking me repeatedly. I really can't tell you how long or what happened. I know he woke me at 1:30pm and I was PISSED. How could I have taken all those pills and still be there! I was mad beyond belief. Once I was awake he figured out something was wrong. I went into bathroom and found more pills to take. He came into the bathroom and caught me. He then figured out what I had done. He screamed and yelled. Threatened to call 911. Basically talked me into going to the hospital.
We went to the hospital together. I was admitted into the Behavioral Health Unit.
Three days after I was admitted my mother in law passed away. She had been suffering for years with emphysema. Her passing was quick and unexpected. While we knew it was coming eventually it didn't end as any of us had imagined.
After getting to the hospital and realizing what I had done and the pain I was putting my family through I was overwhelmed with regret. I did nothing but apologize and promise I would never due anything like it again. As a daughter I felt like I had failed my parents, I was supposed to be there to take care of them. As a mother I failed because I am supposed to be there to support my children. As a wife I am supposed to stand by my husband's side.
I left the hospital the day after my mother in law passed. That in itself is a whole nother story. I went right from the hospital to the funeral parlor to help plan my mother in laws funeral. I have no idea how I did it. No idea why they all trusted me with the tasks. I was basic organizer and MC of her funeral service as we can not bury her until spring.
I basically came away from the hospital with no help. I was still not in a great place. Feeling all the feelings I had before but now having regrets and feeling sorry on top of it.
I had no luck getting in to see my therapist. Basically ended up calling a new counseling facility and starting all over. It's not a quick process. It's very time consuming and you can only hope you connect with the person you have found.
I have now had 3 appointments with a psychotherapist and now have an appointment with a psychiatrist to began my medication management. I have been out of work since February 1st and have no idea when I can expect to return. Financially this hurts a lot. As a state employee I get half my pay for a certain amount of time while on an extended absence.
Everyday I struggle with anxiety. I have a fluttering in my chest, I don't sleep without medication, I have no energy, I feel like I could cry at any moment, my brain is constantly going....my body never seems at rest. It's a horrible thing to live with. I was always the one in control, always the person everyone came to with their issues, always the organized one, always had it together....I WAS THE STRONG ONE!!! I no longer feel like that person. I want that person back and I am trying to figure out ways to get her back!!
It truly was a decision I made in an instant. I didn't think about anything but going to sleep and not waking up. Just ending my pain and struggle.
I picked out the nightgown I wanted to be found in. I went and got a drink to take the pills with. I made my bed all nice and neat. I sent a text to my friends and family. "I'm sorry and I love you." I then turned off my cell phone and through tears began taking the pills.
I took over 70 pills total. A nice mix of controlled substances, pretty much anything I had available that I new packed a wallop. I then rolled over and went to sleep.
My husband, youngest son and mother were across the hall watching a movie together.
You may ask why at that moment did I decide, why that day?
On that day I was struggling with my oldest son's deployment..had been for weeks. My middle son was not talking to me cause his wife caused a ridiculous arguement with me over a joke and he called me horrible names and said the most horrible things. We suspected dil was pregnant but of course they weren't talking to me so I received a text from my oldest son telling me I was gonna be a gramma again because he didn't think his brother would. Of course this broke my heart.
That morning my youngest son sent me text basically telling me HE thought he was going to hurt himself. He has been suffering from anxiety attacks for a few years now. He cheated on his girlfriend and got caught. She was having nothing to do with him and he just couldn't handle it. I left work in hysterics to take him to the hospital to get help. Hubby and I took him there together. After speaking with a counselor for an hour he was in a much better place.
I know in my life that I can not handle losing one of my boys. They have always been my lifeline. I have been a mom since I was 16 yrs old, and I HAVE been a Mom. I didn't take any breaks, I raised them with all the love and support I could. I raised them with their father. We have been together since I was 14 yrs old. We have had a trials and tribulations but we have made it.
The next morning I did not wake for work. Hubby tried waking me repeatedly. I really can't tell you how long or what happened. I know he woke me at 1:30pm and I was PISSED. How could I have taken all those pills and still be there! I was mad beyond belief. Once I was awake he figured out something was wrong. I went into bathroom and found more pills to take. He came into the bathroom and caught me. He then figured out what I had done. He screamed and yelled. Threatened to call 911. Basically talked me into going to the hospital.
We went to the hospital together. I was admitted into the Behavioral Health Unit.
Three days after I was admitted my mother in law passed away. She had been suffering for years with emphysema. Her passing was quick and unexpected. While we knew it was coming eventually it didn't end as any of us had imagined.
After getting to the hospital and realizing what I had done and the pain I was putting my family through I was overwhelmed with regret. I did nothing but apologize and promise I would never due anything like it again. As a daughter I felt like I had failed my parents, I was supposed to be there to take care of them. As a mother I failed because I am supposed to be there to support my children. As a wife I am supposed to stand by my husband's side.
I left the hospital the day after my mother in law passed. That in itself is a whole nother story. I went right from the hospital to the funeral parlor to help plan my mother in laws funeral. I have no idea how I did it. No idea why they all trusted me with the tasks. I was basic organizer and MC of her funeral service as we can not bury her until spring.
I basically came away from the hospital with no help. I was still not in a great place. Feeling all the feelings I had before but now having regrets and feeling sorry on top of it.
I had no luck getting in to see my therapist. Basically ended up calling a new counseling facility and starting all over. It's not a quick process. It's very time consuming and you can only hope you connect with the person you have found.
I have now had 3 appointments with a psychotherapist and now have an appointment with a psychiatrist to began my medication management. I have been out of work since February 1st and have no idea when I can expect to return. Financially this hurts a lot. As a state employee I get half my pay for a certain amount of time while on an extended absence.
Everyday I struggle with anxiety. I have a fluttering in my chest, I don't sleep without medication, I have no energy, I feel like I could cry at any moment, my brain is constantly going....my body never seems at rest. It's a horrible thing to live with. I was always the one in control, always the person everyone came to with their issues, always the organized one, always had it together....I WAS THE STRONG ONE!!! I no longer feel like that person. I want that person back and I am trying to figure out ways to get her back!!
Friday, March 18, 2011
Deployment 2011
Today we sent our oldest son off to Afghanistan. Being a military Mom is truly the hardest thing I have ever had to endure! You really can't describe the pain, the fear, the anxiety, the sense of loss, the helplessness, feelings I really can't begin to put into words. This is our third time sending one of our children off to fight a war that isn't being fought fair. Although our first time to Afghanistan, it's scary as hell.
All the feelings we had the first time around are still here, you'd think it would get easier, you would think I would be a pro at it by now. Let me tell you it doesn't get easier.
Our oldest was in Iraq in 2008 and went for 15 months. When he left his son was 4 months old. He deployed from Germany so we were not there to see him off. All of our goodbyes were done over the phone. He decided to re-up while he was in Iraq. While it was not a choice I would have chosen I understood his need to provide for his family. Our economy had begun to plummet and it really made sense for a 21 yr old who was married with a baby.
While our oldest son was in Iraq, our middle son decided to enlist. He didn't talk to us about his decision. He called us one evening and told us he was at MEPS and had enlisted. I was so angry at him. I hung up on him and didn't speak to him for a week.
When our oldest left for basic training the entire dynamics of our family changed. There was a horrible emptiness. His sense of humor, his presence and just the overall completeness of our family was gone. We all had a horrible time adjusting to his being gone. I wrote him everyday. I knew basic training would be difficult mentally for him. He had never been away from home. I had no doubt physically he would succeed. I was terrified mentally that he would struggle. About 12 weeks into basic we found out he would be stationed overseas. He was devastated. I have no doubt in my mind that if he had known he would get sent that far away he never would have enlisted. The 3 years he was in Germany the phone bills were unbelievable. But we made it through. Lots of expensive shipping of gifts and things you just couldn't get in Germany. Here we are dealing with our son being in Iraq our middle son decides to enlist! UGHHHHHHH!!
I had the upper hand this time. I KNOW how to get a kid through basic training! Now our 3 boys are as different as any 3 people can be. I was worried about this one, he had a tough life. Things just never seemed to go his way. 3 weeks after he left for basic our oldest son came home safely from Iraq. The coming home is amazing!
Middle son made it through basic and ended up stationed 3 hours from home where our oldest son was scheduled to come to just 4 months later. However, it was not to be so simple. In December of 2009 our middle son deployed to Iraq after being out of basic for 2 months and being with his unit that same amount of time. Things in Iraq had really settled down by this time and we'd already been through one deployment there. And again, I knew how to get a kid through a deployment.
Our middle son returned home on July 2010 safely from Iraq.
Our boys had not all been together in 22 months. For our family this was extremely difficult. We are really close and always have had a special bond.
So, here we are again. This time to Afghansistan. My grandson is now 3. How do you explain to a 3 yr old that his Daddy is going away and won't be able to come home to see you for a long time. You can talk to him on-line, you can see him on the computer, he will call you but he can't come home and tuck you in. He won't be there for your 4th birthday, for Easter, For Christmas...for the next year of your life. He won't be there to give you a bath, he won't be there to wrestle with you, he won't be there to be your Daddy. It's truly heart breaking.
I have been here with my son, dil and grandson for 3 days. It's been soooo hard. I can see the struggle in my sons face. He cried yesterday when his son came up to give him a kiss and turned around and said "tight hug" and gave him a hug before he left for the day. My son and I were up late everynight, he says "I don't want to sleep." I asked why. "I don't want Friday to come." In Mom mode I chuckled a little and said unfortunately son it's going to happen anyway. :0( We stayed up all night last night. He just didn't want to give in. 13 of us spread all over his livingroom trying to take in every minute. Of course the tears came off and on, mine of course.
The waiting begins again, we wait for his phone calls, his text messages, quite frankly any sign at all that he is doing okay and he is safe!! My phone will never leave my side, I will constantly know where it is, bascially have it attached. Everytime I go into a store I will pick up something to send to him. Boxes of goodies and necessary items will be sent monthly if not more. I will write often. Send little cards and cute stickers, pictures of family and friends, quirky little things from a Mom. :0)
We said our goodbyes at his house, he didn't want us all to go and see him off at his company. As hard as it was for us saying goodbye to one person, he was saying goodbye to all of us! We did it his way! Ughhh!!
Just another great day in my crazy life!!
All the feelings we had the first time around are still here, you'd think it would get easier, you would think I would be a pro at it by now. Let me tell you it doesn't get easier.
Our oldest was in Iraq in 2008 and went for 15 months. When he left his son was 4 months old. He deployed from Germany so we were not there to see him off. All of our goodbyes were done over the phone. He decided to re-up while he was in Iraq. While it was not a choice I would have chosen I understood his need to provide for his family. Our economy had begun to plummet and it really made sense for a 21 yr old who was married with a baby.
While our oldest son was in Iraq, our middle son decided to enlist. He didn't talk to us about his decision. He called us one evening and told us he was at MEPS and had enlisted. I was so angry at him. I hung up on him and didn't speak to him for a week.
When our oldest left for basic training the entire dynamics of our family changed. There was a horrible emptiness. His sense of humor, his presence and just the overall completeness of our family was gone. We all had a horrible time adjusting to his being gone. I wrote him everyday. I knew basic training would be difficult mentally for him. He had never been away from home. I had no doubt physically he would succeed. I was terrified mentally that he would struggle. About 12 weeks into basic we found out he would be stationed overseas. He was devastated. I have no doubt in my mind that if he had known he would get sent that far away he never would have enlisted. The 3 years he was in Germany the phone bills were unbelievable. But we made it through. Lots of expensive shipping of gifts and things you just couldn't get in Germany. Here we are dealing with our son being in Iraq our middle son decides to enlist! UGHHHHHHH!!
I had the upper hand this time. I KNOW how to get a kid through basic training! Now our 3 boys are as different as any 3 people can be. I was worried about this one, he had a tough life. Things just never seemed to go his way. 3 weeks after he left for basic our oldest son came home safely from Iraq. The coming home is amazing!
Middle son made it through basic and ended up stationed 3 hours from home where our oldest son was scheduled to come to just 4 months later. However, it was not to be so simple. In December of 2009 our middle son deployed to Iraq after being out of basic for 2 months and being with his unit that same amount of time. Things in Iraq had really settled down by this time and we'd already been through one deployment there. And again, I knew how to get a kid through a deployment.
Our middle son returned home on July 2010 safely from Iraq.
Our boys had not all been together in 22 months. For our family this was extremely difficult. We are really close and always have had a special bond.
So, here we are again. This time to Afghansistan. My grandson is now 3. How do you explain to a 3 yr old that his Daddy is going away and won't be able to come home to see you for a long time. You can talk to him on-line, you can see him on the computer, he will call you but he can't come home and tuck you in. He won't be there for your 4th birthday, for Easter, For Christmas...for the next year of your life. He won't be there to give you a bath, he won't be there to wrestle with you, he won't be there to be your Daddy. It's truly heart breaking.
I have been here with my son, dil and grandson for 3 days. It's been soooo hard. I can see the struggle in my sons face. He cried yesterday when his son came up to give him a kiss and turned around and said "tight hug" and gave him a hug before he left for the day. My son and I were up late everynight, he says "I don't want to sleep." I asked why. "I don't want Friday to come." In Mom mode I chuckled a little and said unfortunately son it's going to happen anyway. :0( We stayed up all night last night. He just didn't want to give in. 13 of us spread all over his livingroom trying to take in every minute. Of course the tears came off and on, mine of course.
The waiting begins again, we wait for his phone calls, his text messages, quite frankly any sign at all that he is doing okay and he is safe!! My phone will never leave my side, I will constantly know where it is, bascially have it attached. Everytime I go into a store I will pick up something to send to him. Boxes of goodies and necessary items will be sent monthly if not more. I will write often. Send little cards and cute stickers, pictures of family and friends, quirky little things from a Mom. :0)
We said our goodbyes at his house, he didn't want us all to go and see him off at his company. As hard as it was for us saying goodbye to one person, he was saying goodbye to all of us! We did it his way! Ughhh!!
Just another great day in my crazy life!!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Introduction to Me
I decided to create this blog to help document the crazy and sometimes unbelievable events of my life! I will not use real names but all the events will be as real as I can share them with you. I hope you come away with a few lessons on life while I share this adventure of my life. I hope I can learn lessons by sharing it. All my posts will come from my life and my heart! There will be no made up stories, no exaggeration, just my life as it unfolds.
My friends and I have always joked about writing a book about the craziness of my life. I figured I would use modern technology to help me share the unbelievable, often amazing, very stressful, full of love and many blessings stories of my day to day life!
To describe me...not very interesting at all but here is what I think and mostly know about me. I am the oldest of 4 children. I am the daughter of an alcoholic father who now suffers from dementia. I work full time for the State. I am the very proud Mom of three young men. I am married to my best friend for over 20 years. Two of my sons are members of the United States Army. One of my sons is a volunteer firefighter. I could stand to lose about 75 lbs. I swear like a truck driver, especially when mad. I am blessed by having 7 of the best friends any girl could ask for, they each in their own way are amazing! I am a pretty reasonable person until someone messes with my children or I feel backed into a corner, then it's no holds barred. I can be vicious. In all honesty I am my own worst enemy, I am my biggest critic. I try to do everything as I would want done for me. I was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder and mild depression 3 1/2 yrs ago, just prior to my oldest son's deployment to Iraq. A year ago I moved in with my parents to help them with day to day living. I am truly blessed to not have suffered the lose of a parent. I am a jack of all trades kind of girl but really a master of none. I love to read, especially suspension and self help books. I am a gramma to a beautiful grandson with a new one on the way. Becoming a gramma has truly been the most amazing experience of my life. I believe in God and call on him often. I do not attend church and I am sure after a few reads you may understand why..maybe it's an excuse but nothing in my life ever goes as planned.
So sit back, grab a drink, a bowl of popcorn and buckle up cause you about to join me on the ride of your life!!
Remember to take time to take care of you!
My friends and I have always joked about writing a book about the craziness of my life. I figured I would use modern technology to help me share the unbelievable, often amazing, very stressful, full of love and many blessings stories of my day to day life!
To describe me...not very interesting at all but here is what I think and mostly know about me. I am the oldest of 4 children. I am the daughter of an alcoholic father who now suffers from dementia. I work full time for the State. I am the very proud Mom of three young men. I am married to my best friend for over 20 years. Two of my sons are members of the United States Army. One of my sons is a volunteer firefighter. I could stand to lose about 75 lbs. I swear like a truck driver, especially when mad. I am blessed by having 7 of the best friends any girl could ask for, they each in their own way are amazing! I am a pretty reasonable person until someone messes with my children or I feel backed into a corner, then it's no holds barred. I can be vicious. In all honesty I am my own worst enemy, I am my biggest critic. I try to do everything as I would want done for me. I was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder and mild depression 3 1/2 yrs ago, just prior to my oldest son's deployment to Iraq. A year ago I moved in with my parents to help them with day to day living. I am truly blessed to not have suffered the lose of a parent. I am a jack of all trades kind of girl but really a master of none. I love to read, especially suspension and self help books. I am a gramma to a beautiful grandson with a new one on the way. Becoming a gramma has truly been the most amazing experience of my life. I believe in God and call on him often. I do not attend church and I am sure after a few reads you may understand why..maybe it's an excuse but nothing in my life ever goes as planned.
So sit back, grab a drink, a bowl of popcorn and buckle up cause you about to join me on the ride of your life!!
Remember to take time to take care of you!
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